Free Steven Wright - I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

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Debasish Mridha - Summer is singing with joy, and the beaches are inviting you with dancing waves.

Debasish Mridha - Summer is singing with joy, and the beaches are inviting you with dancing waves.

Steven Wright - For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Steven Wright - For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Steven Wright - I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

Steven Wright - I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

Steven Wright - “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”

Steven Wright - “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”

Kelly Clarkson - I just had my 30th birthday and we went turkey shooting. It's what I wanted to do, so we went.

Kelly Clarkson - I just had my 30th birthday and we went turkey shooting. It's what I wanted to do, so we went.

Steven Wright - A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright - A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright - I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Steven Wright - I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Steven Wright - I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Steven Wright - I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Phyllis McGinley - Please to put a nickel, please to put a dime. How petitions trickle in at Christmas time!

Phyllis McGinley - Please to put a nickel, please to put a dime. How petitions trickle in at Christmas time!

Quentin Tarantino - When people ask me if I went to film school I tell them, 'no, I went to films.

Quentin Tarantino - When people ask me if I went to film school I tell them, 'no, I went to films.

Jens Lekman - I went to Legoland in Denmark when I was five, I think, but I went to Germany when I was 17 to have a little adventure after graduation.

Jens Lekman - I went to Legoland in Denmark when I was five, I think, but I went to Germany when I was 17 to have a little adventure after graduation.

Hugh Laurie - I am a coffee fanatic. Once you go to proper coffee, you can't go back. You cannot go back.

Hugh Laurie - I am a coffee fanatic. Once you go to proper coffee, you can't go back. You cannot go back.

Sean Lock - I always ask for fresh coffee because instant doesn't give you the caffeine buzz you need.

Sean Lock - I always ask for fresh coffee because instant doesn't give you the caffeine buzz you need.

Jim Gaffigan - Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.

Jim Gaffigan - Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.

Elizabeth Edwards - It takes a lot of work to put together a marriage, to put together a family and a home.

Elizabeth Edwards - It takes a lot of work to put together a marriage, to put together a family and a home.

Ellen G. White - Those who use tobacco, tea and coffee should lay these idols aside, and put their cost into the treasury of the Lord.

Ellen G. White - Those who use tobacco, tea and coffee should lay these idols aside, and put their cost into the treasury of the Lord.