Free Phyllis McGinley - Please to put a nickel, please to put a dime. How petitions trickle in at Christmas time!

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Phyllis McGinley - Of one thing I am certain, the body is not the measure of healing, peace is the measure.

Phyllis McGinley - Of one thing I am certain, the body is not the measure of healing, peace is the measure.

Phyllis Diller - What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Phyllis Diller - What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Jim Gaffigan - Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.

Jim Gaffigan - Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.

Elizabeth Edwards - It takes a lot of work to put together a marriage, to put together a family and a home.

Elizabeth Edwards - It takes a lot of work to put together a marriage, to put together a family and a home.

Dale Evans - Christmas, my child, is love in action. Every time we love, every time we give, it's Christmas.

Dale Evans - Christmas, my child, is love in action. Every time we love, every time we give, it's Christmas.

Phyllis Diller - My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Phyllis Diller - My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Allison Janney - The real trick to auditioning is just letting go of trying to please them. Make it your own. That took me a long time to learn.

Allison Janney - The real trick to auditioning is just letting go of trying to please them. Make it your own. That took me a long time to learn.

Steven Wright - I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Steven Wright - I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Anna Magnani - Please don't retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them.

Anna Magnani - Please don't retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them.

Michael Bond - Paddington Bear was a refugee with a label - 'Please look after this bear. Thank you', and he had a little suitcase.

Michael Bond - Paddington Bear was a refugee with a label - 'Please look after this bear. Thank you', and he had a little suitcase.

Big Show - I start small. I'm kind to people. I say please, I say thank you, and I always try to be encouraging and positive.

Big Show - I start small. I'm kind to people. I say please, I say thank you, and I always try to be encouraging and positive.

Peter Marshall - May we think of freedom not as the right to do as we please, but the opportunity to do what is right.

Peter Marshall - May we think of freedom not as the right to do as we please, but the opportunity to do what is right.

Elizabeth Evans - “I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.”

Elizabeth Evans - “I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.”

Oscar Wilde -Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

Oscar Wilde -Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

George W. Bush - Leadership to me means duty, honor, country. It means character, and it means listening from time to time.

George W. Bush - Leadership to me means duty, honor, country. It means character, and it means listening from time to time.