Larry David - I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'
Rodney Dangerfield - With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Steven Wright - I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright - For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Joan Rivers - I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
Angelo Spagnolo - I don’t let birdies and pars get in the way of having a good time.
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